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| tonight i took a bath. it is a shitty bathtub, and i was reading wasteland, so forgive any misplaced poetics.
i plucked the hair from my nipples, and my lower stomach above my pubes, and i wondered what it would take to make me, or my body, beautiful and pristine. acceptable, and clean. i think about the men and women i have seen in my life, and it seems so easy for most people to make their bodies work for them. it seems easier for men to look more gorgeous and feminine than i look on my best days. i want to be smooth and even-toned.
i think... what i want is to be admired. and more than the stiff hairs on my legs, or the way i break out, or anything ugly, i hate myself for needing to be loved.
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| i want to write something significant on this thing, because i found someone's xanga, and read everything on it. i guess i never learn my lessons, and will always be irresistibly nosy.
this girl... i want to be her friend. but i don't know how.
when i met nikki and jamie... and to a lesser extent, michele, i was able to bond with them so quickly. i think those are the only three significant girls in my past... with every other girl, it was like there was some unspoken discomfort, or lack of understanding... mostly on my part. i think everyone is so cool.
how do i become your friend?
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| love is careless in its choosing
sweeping over across a baby
love descends on those defenseless
idiot love will spark the fusion
inspirations have i none: just to touch the flaming dove
all i have is my love of love and love is not loving | | |
| the sirens woke me up again.
i know they're coming for me someday, just a matter of when. | | |
| dear little girl,
i will start protecting you.
i will stop throwing you around like a piece of trash.
i will stop letting people touch and hurt you.
there must be rites. and i'm here for you.
i'm supposed to see that everything is right,
that the rites have been followed.
i've been so wrapped up in our hurt
and all the ways i can make it go away
that i haven't cared what happens to us.
especially you.
i know you want an innocent hug, that comes just from loving you.
i know you want warmth in your bed, a body to drape your leg over.
it will come someday, and if it doesn't that's okay, cos i love you.
sincerely,
more grown-up | | |
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